So I understand that I literally just blogged yesterday, but it was sort of like a catch-up blog. Besides, I feel like I need to write today, so here we are! The main reason that I feel like I need to just write is because there has been a lot on my mind lately- seriously, last night I was up until 3 am because my mind was everywhere. I don't know if it's so much as stress as it is just everything coming together so quickly, but whatever it is is throwing me for kind of a loop. I know you guys are used to me in good spirits and blogging about things that make me smile, and that I mostly have an open-mind and a positive outlook on whatever. I'm not saying that this blog is going to be the complete opposite, but I'm human too. Yes, I am usually optimistic and happy but there was a time when I was definitely far from it, and in this blog I'm going to talk a little bit about all of that. So, here's your disclaimer of sorts ;) it's not bad, but it's probably going to be heavier than most of my posts on here.
Last night my mind was so a flight I could barely even sit still. I have ADD, so this happens often (haha) but, you know those moods where you just feel like something has to be done? I didn't know what it was, all I knew was that it was edging on midnight and I was still restless. I felt like my thoughts were overpowering and I began to contemplate everything in my life at once, without knowing exactly why I was doing it. It sounds crazy, I realize, but I guarantee you've been there before too. Maybe I'm not putting them into the correct words, I don't know, but yeah. So I do what I normally do, now, when my mind starts going crazy and I dug out my journal. It sounds ridiculous and completely juvenile to have a 'journal', but if you really knew me you'd know how this journal has saved me many a nights. I've had it since the very beginning of sophomore year, and only write in it when something is laying heavy on my mind. It holds everything for me because I know it's something that only I have to see. I absolutely love blogging and writing on public things like this, but at the same time it's good to have something to shamelessly be able to jot down your truth thoughts without thinking about anyone reading it. It's not something that I keep up with weekly, or even monthly at that. Maybe I'll write every few months, when I'm feeling in emotion that I can't quite pinpoint, and then stow it away and not pull it out again for another month or so, maybe even five months. It's a huge tool in my life and for me, there's nothing like scribbling your true thoughts with a pen and paper.
Initially, I wanted to take out my journal and allow my mind to float to my fingertips and write whatever, no filter, but as I turned through the pages it turned into something totally different. I unwillingly revisited some of my past by reading the words on the previous entries, even so recent as during the late summer of last year. It was incredible (in not such the best way) that I truly felt like that at one point in my life. It seems crazy now, because I seriously had no idea how much I had grown, inwardly, as a person within like, eight or so months at that. I don't want to reveal too much of my personal life, meshing with my blog, but if you knew the situation then it would definitely be a huge deal as well. Unfortunately though, it's still something that I'd like to be kept with me.
I guess the moral of all of this, or something that I learned is that no matter how far you're down at times in your life, there's always hope. I know that from the outside looking in I probably look like I've always had my act together, that I've always been someone that's happy and doesn't let others get to them, but as I said above- I'm human too. I know I haven't been as far down as many people have before in their life, but I've been far enough down to make me feel worried now. It's all about how you handle things and for me, it was a hard lesson learned but here I am today and I couldn't be more happy.
there's always hope! :-)
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